Dignan and Anthony

Though certainly not controversial, political, or -some might say- interesting, this is my blog about the things that I see and do in my life. I guess that, in reality, that is all anyone blogs about, but this one is mine.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

The Short Version

I'm not running today. I'm taking a break after three days in a row.

That Nathan Lawr album is one of the best music purchases I've made in a long time.

I'm writing a DVD review of King Kong, but am over two-months late doing it.

I picked up my season's pass to the Blue Jays games tonight.

I had piece of cake today. It was my first in ages and ages. There was a retirement at work today.

I got a letter from The Home Depot informing me that they raised my credit limit to $1800 even though I had reduced it down to $500.

I agreed to take care of my sister in the days following her radiation treatment.

Freezers, Insomnia, Gump, Rides, and Extra Clothes

Once again, it's insanely hot in Toronto, and I am once again suffering from the meat-locker that is my apartment. All the cold air falls down to the basement and while most people are sweating in front of fans, I'm wearing a sweater. The same thing happened last year and I still feel guilty about it.

I slept like absolute crap last night. Usually when I'm restless, it's just because I have to go to the bathroom, but that didn't work. I read for a while, and that didn't work either. I'm not exactly sure why, but it could be the 90-minute nap from 5:30-7:00. It could also be that I accidentally ran 10k before bed.

I really didn't mean to. I went for a long run on Saturday, and then decided that I would go for a short jog last night. I left at 10:55 and after running from Ossington and Harbord to University and Front. It was the strangest thing. My legs felt good and I wasn't tired, so I just kept running.

After the rough night, I got a TTC closure related call at 8:30 which wasn't a problem at all except that I feared that I would be stuck in traffic longer than I had slept the night before. It was all moot since the traffic was smooth. I would argue that it was easier to get around downtown Toronto today than it usually is. It was nice not having to deal with those pesky streetcars.

I was forced however, to change at work. I wore shorts and a t-shirt for my walk, and in my backpack had all my work clothes. I knew that I would be sweaty and gross when I arrived at work, so I had to be smart and not wear my blue jeans and blue collared shirt in 40 degree heat. I felt like a moron changing socks and shoes at work, but that's what my life is going to become if it's going to be nasty-gross hot all summer.

Work was another day of work. It was busy, but I did manage to work on Gidrah: The Three-Headed Monster which has easily become one of the bad-funniest movies I've ever seen.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

Free and Easy Sunday

I had a great evening last night, but cut the piss out of my index finger. While wondering if this qualifies me for worker's comp, I know that I'll just have to stick my finger up while washing my hair and use my left hand to clean into the bottom reaches of glasses and plastic yogurt tubs. In a few days, it'll be fine, but for now it hurts and is an inconvenience.

I slept in late again this morning and then had to get up to clean my apartment a bit. I did a ton of laundry yesterday but had to wash up some dishes. I was just finishing up when I got a call about helping Brian move. I had to be out so that the real-estate agent could have an open house from 2-4. I figured that I'd help with the move for the afternoon.

There were four of us there and so I really didn't move that much stuff, and the job was finished in about 30 minutes. At 1:50 I was on my own with nothing to do.

I headed home to change my shirt, I was super sweaty from climbing the stairs in the sticky-humid weather. So what to do? What to do?

I walked up to Bloor and browsed around at Book City. I bought David Bezmozgis' "Natasha" and Ursula Franklin's revised edition of "The Real World of Technology." I also ordered Jonathan Goldstein's "Lenny Bruce is Dead," and am hoping that it arrives shortly. I've been a big fan of Goldstein from his work on CBC's Wire Tap, and am looking forward to reading his book.

Then I headed down to Soundscapes. I've been contemplating purchasing Nathan Lawr's album Secret Carpentry for a couple of weeks now and decided to do it.

Nathan Lawr - Should and Shouldn't (It's an iTunes file, sorry)

I walked west along College and was weak with hunger. Brian had mentioned getting food later on in the afternoon, and so I called him. We met at Sneaky Dees. I went with a three egg omelet and a pint of Red Baron.

Now I've got a slight afternoon buzz going and I'm going to take a little nap. I'm thinking that I might go for another run when I wake up, and then chill and ill for the evening.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Too Busy Writing Your Tragedy

What a beautiful day today. This is the kind of day that we've been waiting for. It's sunny and hot outside. Barbeques will be blazing, and patios will be packed long into the night. It isn't sickeningly humid yet and the bugs haven't set in.

Today is the four month anniversary of my Mom's death. I had a weird moment this morning. I missed her a lot. It just suddenly hit me and then left. I had a pang of understanding that she is gone and isn't coming back. I knew that, sure, but when I realized that I couldn't call her up on the phone and chat, I didn't feel sad exactly, but just a little let down. Like when you've been looking forward to something for a long time, and then it arrives and passes and then the next day you don't have anything else to look forward to. There's a strange loneliness that happens until you make something else to get excited about.

I slept in very late today and then played poker for much of the afternoon. I watched Garden State which I suppose was an appropriate movie for the circumstances. Does anyone else find it weird that after before Largeman and Sam sleep together, they spend time talking in the bathtub in which his mother drowned? Now there is a lot of things that are a little unbelievable in that movie, but this is the one part that I can't believe. I'd still like to hope that I will meet someone someday that can rival the conversation that they had in the waiting room of the neurologists office. That happens in real life doesn't it?

After spending 2.5 hours winning $4.50 in a freeroll tournament, I decided to go out for a run. It was beautiful and I needed to get a nice exercise high. That's really the only reason I do it. The high lasts for hours and I really needed to get outside. I did a hard run to Rogers Road and Dufferin. That Dufferin hill is a killer, but I made it.

So I'm going to spend the evening outside enjoying the weather and chilling. I have a weekend in the city without work, and am going to enjoy it!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Two for One

Wednesday Morning

It seems that the only sports injury I get these days is from sitting.

I posted about developing a sore hip from sitting in a chair, but the latest was a sore knee from wrapping my leg around a chair leg whilst playing cards.

Nevertheless, as time went on, my knee, though tender, felt better and better, and yesterday I decided to risk a serious injury last night and go for a run. I was so cranky and frustrated that I needed to get out of the house. Most people would have gone to the bar, and though I did consider it, I decided against it. There has been too much alcohol in my life lately, and I couldn't justify making that first step to the life of the barfly. I've seen Trees Lounge and that's just sad.

Thursday Morning

I couldn't finish yesterday morning's entry before I had to go to work. Actually, I could have but I procrastinated my way out of it. Yesterday morning was one of those rare mornings when I decided to get up early and sit and write and be productive. Instead, it was one of those regular days when I get up early with hopes of being productive and instead fart the morning away. I couldn't even get a simple blog entry finished.

I was tired last night. After work, I went to a show by one of my coworkers. Her flyer has been sitting on my desk for weeks now, and I felt that I should go. I see her almost everyday after all. She drops of stacks of tapes to be captioned, and seriously adds to my workload, but it's a nice diversion sometimes. I'm struggling through Ghidrah: The Three-Headed Monster right now. It is terrible, but so funny. Bad actors + bad dubbing = 2 x hilarity.

(I also decided that part of the morale problem at workplaces is that people don't know anything about one another. They don't know people's interests, hobbies, goals, or really anything about them. In many cases co-workers don't even know each other's names. I decided that I would make an effort to get to know some of my coworkers, and thought that this would be a good place to start.)

When I got home, I checked my mail briefly and then went to bed early. When 9:00am rolled around, I got up on my own. No alarm or anything! I decided that I should go for another run. I ran to Dufferin and Rogers Road and back today. I keep adding distance, but I also keep adding time. What started as a 20 minute activity has now become an hour-plus ordeal. It's fun, but very time-consuming, and for a procrastinator that's trouble.

As I was running up Dufferin, I took a header. Not a little one either. I stubbed my toe on uneven concrete and down I went landing on my knee and the palms of my hands. My knee felt all right, but I scraped my hands up nicely. They hurt like crazy, but I couldn't help but spend the remainder of my run thinking about all the dirt and germs that went from that nasty sidewalk onto, and into, my hands. When I got home, I discovered a bonny welt on my knee as well.

I'm off again to work. Today was payday, and I am a single paycheck away from escaping the burden of credit card debt yet again. All of this was incurred during my lengthy unemployment. After reducing all my cards from $4000 limits down to $500, the damn credit card companies kept raising them back up without telling me. I guess the only solution is arranging a date between plastic and scissors.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Music Tip of the Week: Lily Allen

For some of the most fascinatingly addictive music that I've heard in a long time check out Lily Allen.

Credit is due to For the Records for the heads up.

The Road to Mental Illness: Volume 1

Some things that drive me crazy:

-My bookmarks. These have stayed the same for so long. I keep going into them and trying to find something interesting, but that only lasts a few minutes. I scan the list in hopes that something great will catch my attention. When I don't find anything even remotely interesting, I just check the ones that I like the best, usually for the eighth time that day.

-My knowledge of women comes mainly from reading the postings of female bloggers and from watching Three's Company and Family Ties as a kid.

-Going to bad music stores and finding nothing interesting and going to good music stores and finding so much great stuff that I can't possibly afford.

-Not having a spring jacket. For that matter, it drives me crazy that I don't really have much in the way of clothes at all. I'm so bored with my clothes that I get no pleasure in wearing anything that I own.

-When bookstores don't have a copy of the book that you want to buy and you have to resort to buying them online and waiting for delivery.

-At times the when I'm alone I want nothing more than to have company but when I have people around me I think about how much I'd like to be left alone.

Monday, May 22, 2006

The OT Zone

I'm heading off to work today. Usually I would have today and tomorrow off, but my co-worker is off to L.A. for the week and so I have to come in on my day off and on a holiday Monday. I'll get some nice overtime and after two-days off I don't really mind. It looks like the next big string of movies to caption will be the original Godzilla movies: Godzilla, The Return ofGodzilla, Godzilla King of the Monsters, Gorgo vs. Godzilla, Godzilla vs. Megalon, Godzilla vs. Monster Zero, etc. Should be a good time.

This was a busy weekend and though I really haven't been doing an awful lot, I have been quite busy for the last little while. Between work, and barbeques, drinks with friends, and running I haven't had a lot of time to blog or write.

(pause)

The first part was written before work, and this is me at the end of the day. It is now 11:17 and I'm exhausted and a little bummed out.

I'm not sure that I was supposed to work today. I was the only captioner there, and there was work to do, but the schedule did not have any captioners scheduled in. I hope that I didn't work a 8.5 hour day when I didn't have to. That wouldn't be the stupidest thing I've ever done, but might be in the top 250.

Even though I should go for a long run, and should finish some proposals, and some correspondence, I'm just too bored and cranky to do that right now. I think that I'll just go to sleep and be done with this day. I want to wake up in a less grumpy mood tomorrow.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Chored Out

What a long day.

It isn't as though today was really any different than any other. Nothing extraordinary happened, and really nothing of note, but I will write and write anyway.

My alarm went off at 10:30 and I decided that I needed to go to the grocery store. Harpo's litter box was getting dangerously disgusting and I was seriously afraid that he would take matters into his own hands and enact his revenge somewhere in the apartment. I was also out of yogurt.

So rather than rolling over and going back to sleep I got up and headed to the lowly Dufferin Mall. I did all my shopping and was back at home by noon. I quickly unloaded the boxes and then headed off to work. I was sick and tired of always leaving late and then having to rush to get there by 1:00. I left at 12:10. It was a beautiful day, but quite warm and very sunny. I bought some sunscreen in a stick that rolls on like deodorant. I absolutely hate putting on sunscreen, but I will burn on the 45 minute walk to work if I don't have sunscreen. This stick goes on dry and isn't greasy. It also has an ever so subtle lemon scent.

Anyway, I got to work 10 minutes early and started captioning. I was working on the Jet Li movie Hero. Subtitled movies are the best to caption. It's only sound effects and music which makes it very efficient. That movie though was quite disappointing. I found it so boring. It was beautiful to look at and the cinematography was great, but I found the gratuitous fight scenes cumbersome and uninteresting. Now I'm on to a Quebecois movie and it looks decent so far. Again, it's subtitled.

I stayed late at work because I wanted to watch The Amazing Race. I'm glad that BJ and Tyler won, even though I was cheering for Ray and Yolanda. I would have totally smoked that flag activity. I had a real flag infatuation when I was a kid. I signed out a flag book from the library and then on all the back of a ton of generic dental claim forms I traced out rectangles (two per page). Then I drew out every flag and coloured them. The hardest ones were Saudi Arabia and Brazil, but I managed to get them. I had a lot of nervous energy back then, and I'm not sure a lot has changed. Anyway, I would have been awesome at that road block.

I walked home at 10:00 and then watched the end of the hockey game as I got changed into my running gear. I've been looking forward to my run since about ten minutes after the end of my last run, and I headed out at 10:50. Fifty minutes and 10 k later, I was back home.

It was super gross, but as I was sitting down taking off my running shoes my nose curled at the stench of my knee braces. I decided that they along with the rest of my running clothes had to go in the washing machine post-haste. I took a quick shower and then took care of the bad smelling clothes.

I then had a big decision and decided to ruin my evening by cleaning my apartment. I started with the litter box and it became quite a chore. Apart from the box, things weren't too messy, but I needed to clean the bathroom, dust, and vacuum. I started cleaning at the start of The Daily Show, and finished at 1:36 am. The apartment is clean but I'm wiped.

A trail mix granola bar and two cups of yogurt later I started this entry. Actually I started the last entry which will become an ongoing series. Now it's bed. I have to get up early and do some outdoor cleaning tomorrow morning. I need to pull some weeds and sweep up in front of the house. I have sensitivity training tomorrow afternoon, and I can't be late. I very insensitively skipped the last one and I'll be in serious trouble if I don't get there early and ready to have some fun.

Things I've Learned From Television Commercials

Westjet employees take dogs from loving familes and won't give them back.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Let's Go Out For Dinner on Your Special Day!

I worked on Sunday. It was Mother's Day and it was nice that a lot of people called me to see how I was doing. I really wasn't affected by it at all, even though I wonder if I should have been. I never buy in to all those "special" days. Every day is Valentine's day with me, baby!

On my way down to work on Sunday, I did laugh hysterically when I saw a sign at Hooter's that said, "Mother's Eat Free." Hey Mom, guess what I have planned for you this year? We're goin' to Hooter's!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

A Shout Out

I went out with an old, but great, friend tonight and we had a long discussion about a lot of different things, but I recall, after many drinks, declaring that you have to be selfish sometimes. You have to decide whether or everyone else is worth more than your own happiness.

I hope that that was of some comfort, but it brings me to an important point: when being selfish and being greedy is essential.

I don't believe that I am an especially evil person, but there is something that inherently evil that comes with putting yourself first and is all tied up with being rotten. I'm not sure why it is, but I think that once you turn 30 and you realize that you need to be happy, you suddenly become very selfish in your decisions. Things stop being about being overtly selfless, and start to revolve around doing things that make you happy.

Decisions change and start to make more sense. The misery that you were always willing to shoulder suddenly become less important and end up being dropped. In short, we begin to understand ourselves and what makes us truly happy. We aren't afraid of embracing that happiness and just smiling and enjoying ourselves.

I got home from my night out and ventured upstairs for the mail.

Letter Number One) A bill from Alamo. I was relieved to find that I was not assessed any damage on my rental car and the bill has been paid. Sweet. I survived all those dirt roads in rural Saskatchewan.

Letter Number Two) Revenue Canada with my tax refund. I had $462.05 in arrears that was deducted from my refund. The letter stated that I was given a credit of $390.30. I already knew that as it was deposited unto my account last week. File letter in filing cabinet.

Letter Number Three) This was one of those shockers. It was in a plain small envelope. I recognized the penmanship right away, and then confirmed it by looking at the return address. This was a letter from my very first "girlfriend". I recall getting secret notes from her when we were 11 years old. I haven't spoken to her in years, but here, suddenly, was a letter. I knew exactly what it was going to say before I opened it, but it still meant a lot. She explained that she is living in Montreal with her boyfriend when she is not working out of the country. The letter was very simple and straightforward, but explained, " I returned for a mission to Haiti to learn of your Mom's death." There really wasn't anything more to it than just that, but it was a very comforting letter to receive so close to Mother's day. Not only that, but it makes me realize, yet again, that I have been lucky enough to have surrounded myself with caring people. I don't always say it, and actually, I don't always realize it, but I have wonderful people around me, and always have. So, if I haven't said it... thank you.

So that's it for today. I've come home loaded, and I don't care. I went out with a great friend and have no reason not to come home loaded. I went for a great run this morning, I worked hard at work today and I'm happy. Point finale. To be honest, as I reread this entry it kind of brings a tear to my eye at how lucky I really am.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Recovery Weekend and First Dates (Vol. 1)

Well things are not too exciting this weekend. I am in the middle of an 11-day stint of work so today was hump day. Actually, it hasn't been half bad. I just work work work and then I leave. It's nice. I suppose that I shouldn't look forward to dinner but I do. Going to the food court and choosing a meal is not only fun, but like a real-life satsifaction jigsaw puzzle: fit the best food into the empty space in the stomach and create pleasure in brain.

I went out for a fantastic run last night (probably my best) . I was feeling so good that the exercise just made me feel invigorated. I was all set to catch up on all my writing and to be really productive, but I watched Six Degrees of Separation on CBC instead. I did two Sudokus, and am finding even the hard ones to be fairly straightforwad. I guess that means I'm smart.

So yesterday morning, my Dad called me. We chatted for a while, until:

Dad: Are you seeing anyone these days?
Me: No, why? Do you want to set me up?
Dad: Actually...

So my Dad wants to set me up with the daughter of some of his friends. He described her as a runner, blond, and okay-looking. I am not even going to begin to wonder why he wants to set me up or why he thinks that he needs to. I am frightened to think about why he would want to set me up with someone who he only thought was "okay looking." I'm his son for God's sake wouldn't he want to set me up with a "total hotty"? The whole thing has totally creeped me out.

Instead, I went out on a date of my own. I've always thought that I make a pretty good date. I know how to ask questions, and I know how to sit back and let people talk. I can interject appropriately without coming off as a jerk. It's a fine line between having an opinion and being an asshole, and I think that I fall on the right side of the line.

Things went well last night, I think. Despite all my failures and poorly developed skills, I do think that I read people quite well. If I trust my gut and am actually not afraid to listen to what I think, then I can usually tell if something went well or if it didn't. I think that this went well.

Dating is one of those things that is completely base and acceptably superficial. There aren't very many circumstances in the world when you're allowed to simply form an opinion of someone soley on the pull of your loins. People mask it by calling it "chemistry" but that's just a fancy word for whether or not you feel that burn between the thighs.

After that initial yes/no (and we all do it), you go on to actually talking to them and trying to get to know them. The options are:

1) Initial repulsion leads to converstation that is not only interesting, but empassioned. This person is cool and fun, and intelligent enough to not only get my jokes, but also to dish a few of them out herself. The result depends upon which part of the body is doing the thinking.

2) Initial attraction leads to conversation in which you discover that the person has absolutely nothing interesting to say, and is too afraid to say it. This is a big turn off. Quirkiness is cool and if you haven't embraced your inner geek then you can embrace someone else. Again the result depends upon which part of the body is thinking.

3) Initial repulsion leads to the sad discovery that this person is single for a reason. They are scary-weird and wouldn't be caught dead listening to anything that hasn't sold 500,000 copies or watching anything with subtitles. These are the dates commonly depicted on bad sitcoms and are probably the result of parents trying to set-up their children.

4) Initial attraction leads to a simple smooth conversation where you aren't afraid to say what you actually think and not afraid to actually be yourself. This usually doesn't happen right away, but with each topic you begin to realize more and more that you are actually comfortable. What has started out as a date doesn't seem to be one, since it doesn't really seem like work any more. There's a flirtation here and there, and the occasional accidental foot touching under the table. Can't forget the hair touch. Gotta love the hair touch, or better still the forearm touch.

Who the hell really knows though, right? The first date is one of those things that means nothing. There isn't much that can salvage a 1 or a 3, but I think that we are all sadly aware at how quickly a 4 can become a 2 by date two or three.

Very simply I think that it boils down to whether or not she said or did anything that annoyed me. If she didn't she gets a second date to pass the next series of annoyance barriers. At the same time, she has to decide whether or not she finds my annoyances aggravating or endearing.

The big question now is when next contact happens. I have always been a big believer in the next day philosophy. It says very clearly, "I'm interested enough and respect you enough to not fuck around and treat you like a piece of shit." Many people interpret it as "clingy" or "desperate" however. The Swingers-type six days is, in my opinion, totally bogus, but might work (I've never tried it). It signals aloofness and disinterest, which some people seem to like, but I think is a pretty pathetic quality to find appealing. I don't want aloof. I want someone who says and does what they think is right.

I don't hate the player, I hate the game. Nobody's told me what to do, so I'm going to make the rules up as I go along. Worst case scenario, I screw things up and I've still got my Dad setting me up.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

A Digression From the Everyday: (aka: This One's Important)

I woke up a new man yesterday. I didn’t really realize it until I met up with Brian at the end of the day. It was very odd, and completely unexpected, but after we shook hands and said hello, out of the blue he said, “you’re glowing.”

Now I’ve seen people glow, but I haven’t had my glow for a long time. I’m pleasant, sure, I sit there and do what I’m supposed to do, but it’s never anything very remarkable. I’ve been playing the game for a while, but I haven’t really been feeling it.

I lost my glow, I think, around October 2004. I really can’t pinpoint the event or moment that caused it, but I think that it was around this time, when I started not being me.

I have come to the realization that it destroyed me. It killed the passion I had for teaching, as well as killing a relationship. Actually, the relationship ended for numerous reasons, all of which I am now seeing clearly for the first time.

So after just a wretched year, I am now really wondering how much of it I brought upon myself. There were a lot of events that were beyond my control. I believe, though, that the way we approach and cope with life has mainly to do with how we live it. If I’m going to be sour all day and meet new people with a thundercloud above my head, I am going to be miserable.

It isn’t as though I have just decided to be happy. I am happy. As Brian noted, I’m glowing.

I’m glowing again!

The obvious question is, why? What has changed? Brian even asked me that last night and even though I think that I knew the answer, I don’t know if I explained it very well.

When I broke up in March of 2005, I believed that I had been dumped because we had grown apart and that she simply didn’t love me anymore. I don’t think that this was an unreasonable conclusion.

The problem with that conclusion is that it defers blame. Either the problem was hers, or the problem was beyond control. Love faded because it was ethereal; it accepts the fact that the very nature of love is to fade and die away. There isn’t anything that you can do about it. Love sometimes doesn’t last forever.

So, I had, I thought, successfully recovered from the break-up. Because I believed that she didn’t love me anymore it was the most painful kind of rejection. I tried to blame it on the circumstances, I tried to blame it on any other variable I could come up with. The sad cold reality was that deep down inside, I believed that I was not loved, and that hurt more than anything.

Still, I was quite comfortable placing the blame on someone else. It was nice to know that I didn’t fall out of love. It was nice to know that my conscience was clear. It was nice to know that I did the best I could.

But the fact remained that because I believed that I was emotionally and romantically correct, I became to myself a victim of the cruel reality of love and the harshness of the world. This contributed to the sourness and perpetual grumpiness that I was feeling. Everything became beyond my control. My bad mood wasn’t because I was wrong, it was simply because I was the victim of a vindictive world.

Everything about me was forced, everything was phoney. I tried to make myself glow. I tried to put on a smile and a happy disposition, but it just wasn’t happening. I wasn’t myself.

I have come to realize that I was all wrong about the reasons why my relationship ended. It wasn’t because of something beyond our control. It was completely within our control all along. I (We) got lazy. I (She) took her (me) for granted. We worked just long enough to get to the point where we knew it was love and then dusted off our hands and said, “Now that all that work is done, I can finally take a break.”

The sad cold hard fact is that we made stupid mistakes. I was paralyzed with fear and couldn’t do anything to prevent the downward spiral that was enveloping our relationship. The whole time it was happening, I was too afraid to do anything about it. I was afraid to admit that it was happening, and I was afraid to admit that something needed to be done. As a result, I did nothing, and blamed her.

The chief problem is that we were on exactly the same page all along. We both knew what the problems were, and we were both afraid. We both wanted to make changes, but we didn’t know how. We both knew that we felt that something had to change, but we both didn’t know what to say to the other person in order to enact that change.

That, I think, is love. We didn’t grow apart. We didn’t stop loving each other. The whole time that things were crumbling, we both were so in sync with one another that we both were feeling the same things. We both wanted to make the same changes.

It is a tremendous relief to know that even though we screwed everything up, that it wasn’t because we weren’t in love, it was because we were just stupid.

I can take being stupid. I can take making mistakes. What I can’t take is the idea that love just ends. That you can be so connected to someone and then wake up one day and be completely different people. The idea that love is something that just expires at a predetermined (if unknown) date is something that I falsely tried to believe. It was a belief that was just so depressing that it was enough to make me never want to try it again.

So my relationship ended and I have finally discovered the real reasons why. What’s sad, of course, is that the answers were so easy. That’s mainly because I’ve had such a long time to think about everything; it certainly didn’t feel simple at the time. Had we not been so afraid, had we not been so stupid, who knows what might have been.

So I know that I was loved, and, in a different way, still am. That’s encouraging. That, I think, is the reason why I’m glowing. I have hope again. I believe, wholeheartedly, that love can happen. I’ve admitted that it was my own stupidity and fear that was the main contributor to the relationship’s failure. That’s a nice comfort since after making the mistake once, I won’t make it again.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

I hesitate to blog right now, but I think that I need to.

I'm getting my shit together and that's all there is to it.

I had a wonderful conversation tonight and one that meant more to me than any I've had.

I've been wandering for a long time.

David Francey's great song, "Green Fields," has a few lines that seem to fit:

And I felt myself sinking like the setting sun
And the sky was like the ocean
Pouring down around me
I used to be so proud and I was all undone
...
And I feel myself rising like the morning sun
And the sky is like the ocean
Wide and blue and rolling

I'm good.

I'm starting to feel like myself again.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Graduation Weekend

I guess I should apologize for my last rather cryptic post, and then the delay in posting a follow-up.

As predicted, I've started missing everybody.

I managed to get myself ready to go and went to bed at 3:30am. I didn't finish my speech, though. My alarm rang at 5:30.

I decided to take the subway to the airport, and got of at Kipling station (not Keele as no one pointed out in this entry, thank you very much). I did manage to get on the wrong bus and after about 25 minutes, decided that I should ask the driver and then get off. I waited at Finch and something for a long time before a cab came by. I hailed it and $22.00 and a very awkward conversation later, was at Terminal 1.

I arrived on Friday at 10:00 local time, and then picked up my rental car. Did you know that the insurance is almost twice as much as the car rental? Alamo charged me $18.69 per day for the car and wanted $34.99 for the insurance. I declined, naturally, and then shat myself all weekend. I had to drive on gravel grid roads and that wasn't fun since any chip would cost me. I made it through without any damage, and without giving them the satisfaction of their exorbitant insurance.

I got a haircut, before heading out to the school. I also had to buy some thank-you-wine and I decided to pick up a 12 pack of Pil so that Chris (post from Sat Apr 30/05) can compare Bohemian and Pil, in a taste comparision experiment. That and because I'm such a nice guy.

I headed out to the school and arrived there at 2:30. I visited with everyone and was a little hugged out by the end. Everyone was happy to see me. I was quite tired and despite finishing my speech on the plane, I needed to sit down at a computer and finish typing it.

When school ended for the day, I managed to make some time to work, and finished everything up. I headed over to the secretary's farm and took a quick shower and had some slices of pizza before heading over to the church for the pre-ceremony exercises (I will perhaps explain my feelings towards Catholicism another time).

I was very nervous as I was sitting through the ceremony, as I didn't feel like my speech was very good. Maybe I will post it and you can judge for yourselves.

After I was introduced, the cheering began and as stood and approached the stage it built and built, with many warm hoots and hollers from the students. I stood at the podium and it just continued and continued. I couldn't believe it, and it didn't help my nervousness very much.

Anyway, I think that this is a good excerpt that explains a little about how I feel about that school:

When I was in university I owned a small business. Before returning to earn my teaching degree, I sold the store and never looked back.

There has not been a day that has gone by that I haven’t thought about this staff, these students, and this community.

It'’s been a tough year for me, but one that has taught me the power of perseverance. It'’s taught me the strength of family and friendship. It'’s taught me that life is something to be enjoyed every day. Things can change and they can change quickly, but we need to be ready to accept that change and enjoy the journey.


After the ceremony, there was a dance, and that lasted until 12:30. I was exhausted, and a little sick of telling the same stories over and over again to every new person who came up to speak to me. I headed back to the farm and cracked one of Chris' beers. I drank it in bed while reading a book. I didn't care.

The next morning, I was invited to play golf. I golfed 9 holes, and since I had left my hat in my luggage, got a decent sunburn on my forhead. On the way back from the course I was invited for lunch. I couldn't really say no and so I had a couple of beers and some deer sausage. I'd never had deer before and even though I am not very adventurous with new foods I dove in. When in small-town Saskatchewanewan...

I drove into Sasktoon at 5:15 and spent the rest of the weekend there. My flight left at 6:00 am on Monday morning, and I arrived in Toronto at 11:15. I managed to catch the right bus this time and took the subway home.

That's it. That's all you get for now.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Back In Toronto

The following quotation is an excerpt from an email I sent recently:

I am here just saying hello, and advising you to not self-edit. I managed to catch the brief entry from the other day. I suspect that it was a drunken post, but I thought it was great. Funny, honest, and real. Don't self-edit yourself. You'll regret it when you come back to your blog to revisit the life that you once had. There's no reason you shouldn't mix the good with the bad. That's what life is and there's no reason to hide it.

So, I'm taking my own advice. Don't worry, no juicy gossip, just the following reflection:

I am back in Toronto, and I don't know how to feel. I am not the same person I was when I left on Friday. I don't know how to go back to the blissful ignorance that was Thursday, and I don't know how to be the person I am today.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

It's Not Wasting Time, It's Part of the Process.

I'm writing my speech for tomorrow, and after sitting at my computer watching the Ricky Gervais podcasts and completing a websudoku, I've decided to reward myself with some blogging.

I decided not to play poker tonight because I have so much to get done before I leave for Saskatoon tomorrow. I've been asked to be the guest speaker at graduation at my old school and couldn't say no.

I was thinking that if I just sit here long enough, my speech will get written. I'm not sure how, but it's sure to happen if I just sit in this Ikea chair long enough.

Before I leave I have to:

-do the dishes.
-vacuum the apartment
-tidy up a little
-finish my laundry
-clean the cat litter
-take out the recycling
-take out the composting
-find my Best Western $50 gift card.
-find the two thank you iTunes gift cards
-pack
-4 pairs of boxers,
-2 pairs white socks,
-2 pairs black socks,
-1 pair of khaki pants,
-1 pair of grey flannels,
-3 undershirts either white or just regular t-shirts,
-3 collared shirts,
-1 sports jacket,
-1 tie to match sportsjacket and collared shirts,
-1 toothbrush,
-1 razor,
-1 can Aveeno sensitive skin shaving cream,
-1 stick of Arm and Hammer anti-perspirant with shockingly high aluminum content,
-1 pair Rod Lavers,
-1 pair shiny brown shoes,
-1 book entitled "Race Against Time,"
-1 book entitled "American Splendour: Our Movie Year,"
-1 online booking flight reservation printout,
-1 online booking hotel reservation printout,
-1 online booking car reservation printout,
-1 $50 Best Western gift card,
-2 $20 iTunes Gift Cards,
-1 iPod fully charged,
-1 iTrip and car charger,
-1 guest speaker graduation speech (incomplete).

Before grad I have to:

-buy two thank you cards complete and fill with iTunes gift cards,
-get a haircut,
-buy thank you bottle of wine,
-buy shoelaces.

My flight leaves at 8:25am which mean that I have to get to the airport by 7:25am which means that I have to leave my house by 6:15am so that I can catch the subway out to Keele and then catch a bus from Keele Station to Terminal 1. Since I usually go to sleep at 3:00 am, that means that with none of above work finished, I had better end this blog now and do some of it before I procrastinate my way of sleep tonight. That's the way all this work gets done; I eventually get to the point where pissing time away interferes with sleep and then the work suddenly, almost magically, gets completed with shocking efficiency.

Be back on Monday.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Big Wednesday Night Television Plans

So I finally was able to download the Lost and Amazing Race episodes that I missed from last week's Pekar lecture. I was super disappointed with Lost since it was just a recap episode. I'm watching the Amazing Race as I'm typing this I'm cheering for Ray and Yolanda because:

-MoJo is the worst. It is nice to watch their relationship crumble on national television though. I would yeild them too just for spite (if there wasn't already enough in the last three sentences).
-Eric and Jeremy are jerks. They seem like womanizing jocks that always have good things fall into their laps. I don't know why, if the allegations are true, they would be hiding their relationship, but it seems plausible with their excessive posturing. I'd like them more if I knew that they were together, but until they are outed, they're on my shit-list.
-Fran and Barry always complain that every task is really hard. Well no kidding. Why sign up for the game if you're not ready for what they throw at you?
-BJ and Tyler are my second pick. They seem okay, but are a little phoney. I don't like the way that they think that non-English speaking people will understand them if they speak English with a stereotypical accent of that language.

So that's the story. I had to catch up so that I can be ready for tonight's new episodes. The best part is that I get to watch the cable tv at my desk.

Monday, May 01, 2006

Not Celebrities... Peers.

Today was a good day for celebrity sightings at work.

On my way up the escalator I saw Robin Brown from The Inside Track. About 37 paces later, I saw George Stroumboulopoulos walking across the atrium, and then later in the afternoon, I saw Ron McLean leaving the cafe.

I've also seen Michael Enright, Matt Galloway, Brent Bambury, Sarika Sehgal, Evan Solomon, and Claire Martin (who, incidentally, also appeared in Pink Floyd's Another Brick in the Wall video).

I'm playing company softball this summer, so I'm hoping to take out Peter Mansbridge or Don Cherry in a George Costanza-Bette Midler type home plate smash up.

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