My Life Got Flipped Turned Upsidedown

There comes a point during unemployment when you begin to seriously question yourself and your decisions. When you begin to wonder if you really are the person you think you are. When you have been ignored and rejected for so long that you end up deciding that you really do suck.

It's at that point when you decide to change things up a bit. When I hit that point, I decided to apply for jobs that I didn't believe that I was qualified for and jobs that I didn't think that I deserved. Jobs that I didn't care about. Jobs that I had no business even considering. Jobs that would put the public in danger if I actually was hired.

Perhaps, the most fun part about hitting that stage of unemployment is the total lack of effort and seriousness that you put into writing cover letters. They quickly stop being about trying to get the job, but about trying to get away with saying stuff that you wouldn't say if you actually cared (read: had any self-esteem left). Here's the cover letter I submitted to the CBC:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I apply for a job at the CBC for a wide variety of reasons some of which are, no doubt, more interesting than others.

To be perfectly honest, I've fallen on some hard times. After returning to Ontario after two years of teaching in Saskatchewan, I was horrified to discover that I did not have the piece of paper that would allow me to teach senior English. While I would hope to return to the classroom some day, a part of me is sickened and disheartened by a system that purportedly cries out for teachers, and yet will not hire a qualified, caring, passionate teacher simply because I do not have a piece of paper. What makes it all the more maddening is that I am qualified and certified in both Quebec and Saskatchewan, and that this piece of paper is a unique-to-Ontario government doctrine that, in my opinion, hurts Ontario students.

Nevertheless, I have two university degrees (Arts (English), and Education) and am not only highly educated, but am a creative thinker and problem solver who can also use his head outside of academia.

I have been an avid viewer and listener to the CBC since I was a boy. I remember being able to tell the time of day simply by turning on the radio and identifying the voice and her/his show. I am a devoted listener and believe that I have a kinship with the mandate of the corporation.

I know that I can make a positive contribution to our national broadcaster. I am highly curious, intensely devoted, and a quick study which I believe will make me a great addition to the CBC.

Perhaps this cover letter isn't all bad, but the supplementary comments, I thought, were a little too much:

I have already had a variety of careers despite being under 30. I suppose that this is the trend these days as hipsters jump around trying to find something they love.

I hope that the CBC gives me this job so I can stop this hideous search.

Nevertheless, it was this application that seems to have stood out enough for a test, an interview, and, yes, an employment offer.

I went in today, and it was one of those interviews that you know isn't really an interview at all, but is an explanation of the job that they have, essentially, already given me. I'm not sure exactly why I was chosen over the other candidates, and it makes me a little nervous that I might be getting into something unpleasant. I mean I couldn't have been the only person who spelled "occasionally" right on the spelling test. I couldn't have been the only one who noticed the you're/your error on the grammar test.

Still, I don't see any reason why I wouldn't take this job; except for the fact that I will be working. I will work from 1pm until 9pm with dinner and breaks. I will be working a maximum of 38.5 hours per week. The schedule is based on 14 days which will involve 10 days on and 4 days off. Anything above 38.5 hours will pay time and a half. I will have dental and medical as well. I probably shouldn't publish the salary, but it's enough. You could probably find it by simple google search, or through the access to information act if it means that much to you.

The job will not be hugely intellectually stimulating, I don't expect, as I will simply have to type all day. It sounds like there will be some very stressful times, but that's why bars were invented. I will have work piled up on my desk and a lot of demands, but I don't think that it will be anything that I can't handle.

At any rate, it will be nice to be out of the house and doing something. After all, I will be paid to watch television all day. I just have to make sure that I don't type an "i" in sentence: "Could you give me your pens, please?"