I Can Give You Life, I Can Take It Away

In many ways, my whole future has been hanging in the balance for the past week.

I'm still waiting to hear about my possible teaching job. Though most times I believe that no news is good news, when it comes to jobs, the sooner you hear the better. I've been waiting since 9:00 on Friday morning, and I am acutely aware that as each minute ticks by the chances of being the successful candidate diminish. No matter how busy you are at a school at this time of year, it doesn't take terribly long to discuss the candidates and come to a final decision. Certainly, the job of calling the successful candidate is a pleasure and something that any administrator enjoys, whereas I could see putting off calling the losers for as long as possible.

When I think about the importance of the outcome of their decision on my life it can be rather overwhelming. Aside from the work, the staff, the parents, the students, and everything else that will change, I often wonder how more minor events will affect me. For example, rather than walking south to work, I will be walking east. I will see different people and pass different intersections. I will become a part of other people's lives and will have an impact on them as other will impact my life.

I don't believe that , "there is one all-powerful force that controls everything," but I do think that the choices we make have a tremendous impact. I was walking to work yesterday, and was struck by the fragility of it all. I was walking down Bathurst and was faced with a decision: I could continue south and then turn left at College, or I could cut across an elementary school playground and save a little time. I decided to take the short cut, but as I walked across the field, I was plagued by the possible life impacts of that mundane choice. Since I saved a little time, will I therefore be somewhere I shouldn't be when I'm not supposed to be there? Could a car come flying around a corner and plough into me because I arrived a few seconds too soon? Likewise, might I have also missed being smashed because I had passed that crash site seconds before?

At the end of the schoolyard, I had to jump a fence, I thought about my 30k race this weekend, and how jumping this fence might affect that. Usually, I would bound over the fence, but instead I skulked over it slowly and deliberately. I figured that if I took even one bad step, I might twist and ankle or pull my knee. I wasn't willing to risk it.

Something that has had a big impact on me has been my decision to visit my friend Brian on Tuesday. I headed over for a drink on his patio with a few other friends. That evening, Blockhead was recommended to me. I've been listening ever since. How has my life changed because of it? I'm listening to different music as I walk around the city, and that it has an impact my mood and the way that I see the world. Maybe I'm noticing different people, and storefronts. Maybe I'm thinking about different things, and drawing different conclusions about the world because at that particular moment, I am listening to track x from album y by band z instead of track a from album b by band c. All of that has to matter. All of that small stuff has to make a difference. It must.


Blockhead "You've Got Maelstrom"