My Goldie Hawn Resolution

Tomorrow is Goldie Hawn's birthday. It is also the day that my life changes. I am sick of things the way they are.

Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything to create global economic harmony, or curb gun violence in our cities. I'm not going to feed the poor or put a stop to the spread of HIV in Africa.

As much as I would like to do those things, I cannot begin to effect any positive change until I thoroughly get myself straightened out first.

Now as much as I paint a beautiful picture of myself on this blog, I will admit, my kind readers, that I have a few problems. Not big ones, and not anything that I don't thank whomever at how easy and simple and great my life is, but problems that have taken a toll on me and my happiness.

1) Get an OHIP card. I've been living in Ontario since July 9th and I don't have health insurance in this province. At first, I was unsure about where I would be going and what I would be doing, but I've decided that enough is enough. It's free after all, and I'm just being an idiot by not getting it.

2) Get Ontario License Plates, Driver's License and insurance. This is the painful one. I pay $97 a month to insure my car in the province of Saskatchewan. I know that I will be taking a huge hit to the pocketbook, but in order to fix my life, I have to do this. It's stupid that I have to pay more, but that's the way it's going to have to be. I'm sick of breaking the law 24 hours a day.

3) Get a proper tuque and gloves. I wore a woman's tuque last winter and I continue to wear it today. I had what I thought was an awesome tuque from CBC's Definitely Not the Opera. I won it in a contest. I liked it but everyone I knew thought that it was ugly and then it mysteriously disappeared. I needed a tuque and November in Saskatoon is much more about warmth than style, and so I was happy to have a warm head. I didn't care if it looked stupid. Enough is enough, I can't afford a new winter jacket, and so I'm going to get a new hat and gloves and hopefully jolt myself out of what might be a serious funk.

4) I have to adjust my sleep cycle. I cannot continue to wake up between 11:51am and 2:17pm. It's absolutely ridiculous. I'm a grown man! I have no willpower to stick to a cycle. I profess to want to write but I can't even sit down at a desk for more than 27 minutes unless it involves wasting my life in a video game. I watched a documentary about Ernest Hemingway the other day (that's what I do these days!) and he woke up at 5 am and wrote until noon every single day. Why can't I do that? I am not saying that I will achieve anything with my writing, but goddammit if I don't produce a single document I will ensure that I achieve nothing. From now on, I'm getting up before 8:00am whether I have to or not. I will work a regular day whether I'm blogging, writing, cleaning, looking for work, or doing any of the other things that normally functioning humans do. Only then can I reward myself with dinners out, movies, vids, and copious amounts of alcohol.

5) I need to go to the grocery store. I've fallen into the trap of going out for meals. It's a pain on my morale and on my pocketbook. I'm unplugging my fridge before bed tonight and first thing tomorrow I will clean it within an inch of it's life and then fill it with fresh fruits and vegetables. I will only go out for meals at most twice a week. Never alone, and always with someone I enjoy being with. If you open a fridge to find a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jam, fine. If you open my fridge, you have all the jars of the elements of meals that I used to make. Every time I open the fridge I am sickened by the testament to how I used to cook every meal at home, but threw it all away. I won't document it now, at the risk of being too similar to my wallet entry, but maybe I'll do that tomorrow.

6) I will use moisturizer daily. My skin is a mess. It's sore and itchy because it's too dry and is not in good health. I find putting moisturizer on to be one of the most tedious and unfun things to do, but I think that it's time that I be a man and moisturize. When I find an organ to inflict pain upon, I decide to go for the biggest organ there is. It's so easy to avoid that pain. I started using an aftershave balm as part of my new shaving ritual, so this couldn't be too difficult.

I think that these six things will help me get myself organized. It's a start, but I think it's a good one. I've fallen into a rut and it's unhealthy. I'm disappointed with myself and I don't know how I've fallen off the path to unemployment bliss. I expect that not only will I be happier with myself, but I also know that all the other parts of my life will fall into place when I'm not filled with the crippling self-loathing that envelops me now.